Take in as much air as you can. This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.
A friend of mine, when he was 13 years old he heardabout "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostategland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buya carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkout counter, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.
So my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.
Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.
At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. Heslathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.
Then, this kid, his mom yells it's suppertime. She says to come down, right now.
He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.
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Wow, just wow. Had to see for myself just how gruesome this thing is.
ReplyDeleteI've never laughed harder at more screwed up stuff.
After getting to the end, I must admit: While, the content, subject matter, and events are disgusting and repulsive; Palahniuk's execution(e.g. word choice, phrasing, syntax,etc. to do with the linguistic acheivements)is impeccable. It's one of the hallmarks of Chuck's work.
This is some great writing. Very interesting even if i never thought id read anything like this. Its so good i want to read it again.
ReplyDeleteNot gonna lie, this was kind of funny. But kinda weird at the same time. safe to say I'm not traumatized! :)
ReplyDeleteHoly fuck. I could not stop myself from cringing. Thanks for the good laugh and read. Good luck with your future butt stuff, Mr. Palahniuk.
ReplyDeleteI think I may be missing the point of this because what the fuck.
ReplyDeleteI love this so much. oh my god I laughed so hard. 10/10 beautifully written bought a tear to my eye
ReplyDeleteUtter shite - not worthy of constructive criticism.
ReplyDeleteHow lucky for us then that you didn't provide any.
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ReplyDeleteWow. Never in my life did I imagine that I would be reading something like this. I thought I had seen and read things that many should not be exposed to, but it turns there's more I haven't seen or read out in this world
ReplyDeleteThe writing is complete horse shit. What a joke of a story. Author really needs to re-evaluate his writing skills.
ReplyDeleteLooks to me like he succeeded.
DeleteObligatory this happened to my buddy Eric comment
ReplyDelete