"Big Hand Print" by T.K. Lee

This man, Bill Lexx, as I was about to find out, was standing in front of the third story men's bathroom window when I went to use it this morning. Outside the window, not inside the bathroom, but on the outside, in a suit, which I might add was not a three-piece, and he had taken his tie off; his socks didn't match the color of his suit. I only noticed that because I sit down when I pee. I know a lot of men don't do that, or would never admit it, but I do. My grandmother taught me it was impolite to be heard using the bathroom, period.

So, I'm sitting on the toilet, and this man, Bill, I guess he heard me, because I had to put the toilet seat down, you know, so I could sit on it, and it clanged against the porcelain base of the toilet. And he turns around and stares at me. Thank God I hadn't taken my pants off yet. I'd sat down on the toilet to retie my shoes.

I forgot to mention that.

See, Margie, the secretary in my office, made me untie my shoes when she was getting off the elevator. I mean, accidentally, made me untie them. She goes down to the basement to smoke instead of outside, says she can't completely appreciate a cigarette outside. I had walked a little past the elevator, not meaning to not speak, and then felt guilty and didn't want to be rude so I turned around to speak, and in the process of turning around, I stepped on my left shoestring.

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